Pat Robertson Predicts “Mass Killing”

Here’s a recent newsy tidbit you may have missed.

Pat Robertson Predicts “Mass Killing”

Yahoo News, Wed Jan 3, 5:32 AM ET

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. – In what has become an annual tradition of prognostications, religious broadcaster Pat Robertson said Tuesday God has told him that a terrorist attack on the United States would result in “mass killing” late in 2007.

“I’m not necessarily saying it’s going to be nuclear,” he said during his news-and-talk television show “The 700 Club” on the Christian Broadcasting Network. “The Lord didn’t say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that.”

Robertson said God told him during a recent prayer retreat that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.

Robertson said God also told him that the U.S. only feigns friendship with Israel and that U.S. policies are pushing Israel toward “national suicide.”

Robertson suggested in January 2006 that God punished then-Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon with a stroke for ceding Israeli-controlled land to the Palestinians.

The broadcaster predicted in January 2004 that President Bush would easily win re-election. Bush won 51 percent of the vote that fall, beating Democratic Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts.

In 2005, Robertson predicted that Bush would have victory after victory in his second term. He said Social Security reform proposals would be approved and Bush would nominate conservative judges to federal courts.

Lawmakers confirmed Bush’s 2005 nominations of John Roberts and Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. But the president’s Social Security initiative was stalled.

“I have a relatively good track record,” he said. “Sometimes I miss.”

In May, Robertson said God told him that storms and possibly a tsunami were to crash into America’s coastline in 2006. Even though the U.S. was not hit with a tsunami, Robertson on Tuesday cited last spring’s heavy rains and flooding in New England as partly fulfilling the prediction.

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God Says Pat Robertson is “Totally High”

by Mark Morford

Pat Robertson welcomes in new year, offers prayers of hope, says you are all going to f–king die.

In quick and sighing response to beloved apocalyptic homophobic fearmongering ball of quivering godmeat Pat Robertson’s declaration on the vinegary “700 Club” that there would be “mass killings” of millions of godless gay-loving iPod-worshipping Americans sometime in 2007 because, well, God Himself visited Robertson in some sort of fever dream/spaghetti-gorging session and told him so, God has issued a rebuttal statement.

“Blessings and deep divine love to all beings everywhere. Pat Robertson is huffing Krylon,” smiled the Almighty, watching some rare, gorgeous black antelopes romp in the petrified forests of Australia in the year 2118, because She can do that sort of thing.

“I realize this is not news. But apparently, it must be reiterated each year: The only thing that visit Pat Robertson in the night and offer anything resembling prophecy are the assorted German fetish porn actors he ogles on grainy bootlegged DVDs and which he believes ‘speak’ to him after he has imbibed roughly 47 tiny bottles of bourbon from the minibar at the Colorado Springs Hyatt,” She added, all-knowingly.

“Three little words about Pat Robertson: ‘lederhosen ball gag.’ That’s all I’m saying.”

In related news, late Chief Justice William Rehnquist hallucinated and thought the CIA was out to get him, strange metal rocks fell from the sky over Jersey, numerous United Airlines employees who swear they all saw something very, very strange hovering in the night sky over O’Hare airport last fall are told by the government that they’re just being silly, Royal Caribbean paid a million dollars to the family of an apparently very drunk groom who mysteriously ‘disappeared’ from the ship one night as his wife was passed out down the hall and doesn’t remember a thing, and some people actually paid real money to see “Eragon.”

God just shrugged.

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Categories: Christianity, Humor, Politics | Leave a comment

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