Chuck Lorre is a gifted comedy writer, director, producer, and even composer for TV sitcoms. He wrote for Roseanne, about which he said, “One of the benefits of working 70 hours a week in hell is that the mind covers itself so you can’t remember it.” He created Grace Under Fire for Brett Butler, then left to create Cybill for Cybill Shepherd; both those jobs left him similarly battered and embittered.

He then created Dharma & Greg, which was a happy time, then Two and a Half Men, and now The Big Bang Theory, both of which are funny and sharp and intelligent. With Dharma & Greg, he started creating “vanity cards” that display a whole lot of text for maybe three seconds on the screen; you have to record the show and pause it carefully in order to read it. He now has a website where all of his vanity cards are archived.

This week’s Big Bang Theory vanity card reads:


Tonight’s vanity card is about censorship. It was censored.
As always, you know where to look.

It’s not the first card that was censored by the Powers That Be. I think it happens at least once each season. At his website, you get to see the card in all its uncensored glory. Here’s this week’s:

words that confuse the CBS censor

fecund, penal, taint, titmouse, cockamamie, cockatoo, cocksure, coccyx, ballcock, cockeye, prick, prickly, kumquat, titter, cunning linguist, prick, insertion, gobble, guzzle, swallow, manhole, rimshot, ramrod, come, fallacious, lugubrious, rectify, Uranus, angina, paradiddle, spotted dick, dictum, frock, cunctation, engorge, turgid, stiff, bush, uvula, crapulence, masticate, Dick Butkus, gherkin and, of course, the always bewildering lickety-split.

As you can see, context is everything.

“Paradiddle” is a new one for me. I’m going to try to use it three times this week, though I can’t think when the topic of a snare drum’s tempo would come up naturally in conversation.

Categories: Humor, Words | 5 Comments

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5 thoughts on “Censored

  1. indigobunting

    Even the Merriam Webster definition makes it sound a tad masturbatory.

    Do report back.

  2. Lee and I use to watch those go past on Dharma and Greg and say “What the Hell?” as they sped by.

    Now we know.

  3. Before she would masticate her spotted dick and gobble her gherkin, she liked to call her cockatoo to her. “Come here, my little titmouse,” she would titter. Her cockatoo though was both cocksure and a cunning linguist, would say “you are being fallacious again, you should rectify that taint on my reputation at once.” He was a prickly character, and this always caused a cunctation. Sometimes he would hide in the bush behind his cage, but once she tempted him out with a kumquat, he would open his beak. After insertion of the fruit, he would attempt to swallow, but lacking a uvula he would have to guzzle it down whole.

    Her neighbour in the apartment across the street, Dick Butkus suffered from angina and a sore coccyx from a nasty fall down a manhole. At least, these were his cockamamie reasons for suffering from crapulence and the resulting engorged and turgid bladder. Not to mention his lugubrious nature. However, she always looked so beautiful and fecund in her frock, looking through the telescope at her favourite planet, Uranus, he would serenade her, lickety split,accompanied by his rimshot and paradiddle, sitting at his drum stiff, ramrod straight. Although she could never love him like that cockatoo, he played out of love, not penal servitude. After all, who wouldn’t love a woman whose favourite dictum was “don’t prick yourself when changing the ballcock.”

    I’m not sure why I did that, but it seemed to need to be done. Mali

  4. indigobunting

    Mali: Indeed it did. I am (as always) in awe of you. I may have to print that out and display it somewhere (in a cocksure manner).

  5. I think that needs to be committed to memory. I can think of several places to recite that. There is a Southern Baptist church near my house.

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